Hello one and all and welcome to the 2021 season return of Home and Away.
After a mighty long recap the show begins and the producers give us exactly what we want, since they know they delivered a lacklustre finale.
It picks up at the jail, and Colby isn’t breathing which is just so artistically juxtaposed by Dean (obviously shirtless with tattoos blazing) and sweeping drone shots of the bay.
Lewis whips out the defibrillator, but Colby can’t be revived.
Sadly we don’t see how Colby ended up in this lifeless state but then I remember this is a family show so affairs, robberies and transporting drugs are allowed, but a shanking would be too far.
Lewis is played by Luke Arnold who joined in the finale last year and has already been dubbed as a poor man’s Johnny Depp. But now I don’t know if it’s now offensive to call Lewis, Depp, since Depp has been “cancelled”.
Anyway, the suspense is disrupted and Colby’s life hangs in the balance because Kieran (Martha’s long-lost son with a violent past) is zhuzhing up his CV which is just thrilling TV.
Kieran drops it off at the gym where he runs into Jasmine again but it’s ok because Jas has decided the put their first and very intense encounter behind her.
Next up is Dean who still won’t visit bestie Colby in jail.
“I’m sure as hell not going to relive that nightmare,” Dean says
It’s apparent Dean hasn’t been back to prison since he was released which is exactly what Bella goes on to say.
Back to the ambulance which hurtles towards the hospital as Colby has a seizure.
Jas gets to work, her other work at the hospital, where Dr Christian Green, aka Budget McDreamy, is briefing everyone about the incoming patient from the corrections facility.
The poor bloke hasn’t heeded my advice and he’s still in the same clothes.
There’s clearly something going on between Lewis and McDreamy because they both throw each other a bit of shade.
I mean it wouldn’t be Home and Away if the new characters didn’t have unresolved problems eating away at them.
Anyway, no surprises that the patient is Colby, but it’s a surprise to Jas who is really showing us a breathtaking range of emotion.
McDreamy pulls Jas aside and tells her she should sit this one out, but she declines because Colby’s sperm is still her best chance at having a baby so he must live.
There’s a lot of doctoring words but of utmost concern is the blood coming from Colby’s ears which I know because of my years watching Grey’s Anatomy would indicate trauma to the head.
“What have they done to you,” Budget McDreamy utters with compassion.
I notice that Colby doesn’t annoy me as much when he’s close to death.
Back to ol’ mate Deano who is sticking to stubborn ways and insists he’s not going to visit Colby even though everything he’s been through is what his best friend is currently going through, plus if Colby didn’t take the wrap they’d be in there together.
I think the point has been made but Dean launches into a monologue to really stress the perils of jail.
I don’t believe Dean has ever strung so many words together.
“You can’t possibly understand, no one can unless you’re been in there. It doesn’t matter who you were before you went in, you have to start all over again, you need to earn your place, fight your own battles and it never stops,” he says.
“I’ll take you to the prison if that’s what you want but I’m waiting outside.”
Back at the hospital Jasmine gives the guards some ‘tude.
She wants to call Bella, but the guard says it’s a security issue.
“Like it or not your patient is a convicted murderer and there are protocols in place,” says the extra dressed as a security guard.
Gee, I hope this guy gets a guest spot.
Poor Jas is nearly is tears.
But Poor Depp is a nifty man and is going to outsmart the guards.
They pay Bella and Dean a visit in person to inform them about the gravity of the situation.
They’re certainly up to something because two giant dudes covered is matching blood and sand tattoos cause a commotion while Bella and Dean sneak into Colby’s room.
I assume these dudes — which the producers are trying to conceal the faces of — are the River Boys that were teased in the trailer.
Naturally Bella is brought to tears by the sight of her brother’s almost lifeless body.
Budget McDreamy comes back from the commotion and breaks up the reunion. He does have a very commendable bed side manner though.
Jas and Poor Depp hug it out.
Bella and Dean worry how they can protect Colby, but he won’t need protecting if he’s dead.
Ah I spoke too soon because COLBY MOVES!
No one finds out because Kieran is still going on about the gym gig which only confirms how delusional he is because he certainly does not have the cold heart and fake smile required for customer service.
“This gym gig is perfect. Why wouldn’t she give it to me,” Kieran ponders.
Anyway, it switches back to the wedge Kieran is driving between Martha and Alf.
Martha insists it’s “not necessary” for him to leave and she’s going to “take care” of Alf.
Just to be clear, the tone isn’t as ominous as it seems, and it doesn’t appear that Martha is going to kill Alf.
Alf gets in a huff because either Kieran stays or Martha is going.
Alf backs down a bit when he realises he could lose his wife again and naturally, he threatens Kieran.
“I’ll be watching you like a hawk,” Alf says.
If it was real life, they’d all go to counselling and sort it out, but there’s no way Alf would agree to that. So I guess a divorce is imminent.