After being exposed and thrown out of the mansion on Wednesday night, The Bachelor’s resident villain serves up a tremendously bratty exit that’s then overshadowed when the show’s tacky red champagne flutes go missing.
It’s another movie-length episode. Boo! But one of the girls wears a weird hat. Yay! But then nothing much else happens. Boo!
JAMES WEIR RECAPS: Read all the recaps here
We find the girls enjoying the morning sunshine that’s pouring through the windows of the sitting room. Steph shocks everyone when she starts reciting a passage from my own personal diary.
“I’m so bored. To pretend I’m interested would be a straight out lie,” she closes her eyes and thunks the back of her head against the wall.
But her spirits pep up when it’s revealed they’ll all be having a meet-and-greet lunch with Jimmy’s mum, Suzanne. “Finally”, Steph thinks, “someone new to trick.”
Too bad Holly gets to Suzie first and tells her that Steph is bad news. It’s payback for last week, when Steph told Jimmy’s sister that Holly is the absolute worst.
Honestly, the real takeaway here is that Suzie has co-ordinated her dress and necklace with her eye colour, resulting in a stunning look that’s fresh and flawless.
Steph’s oblivious to Holly’s secret act of lunchtime revenge. In her mind, everything’s swell. We find her at the cocktail party and she’s positively beaming.
“I really enjoyed Suzanne. I think we had a great time at lunch. And I’d be very surprised if anything negative happened after today,” she boasts. “I’ve got no regrets about how today went.”
Wow. Seems like the perfect set-up for Jimmy to come along and completely dash Steph’s confidence.
In five, four, three, two …
Jimmy pulls a random girl aside and tells her to spill the secrets of every untrustworthy contestant in the mansion. We don’t know the random girl’s name and neither does Jimmy. We’re only using her to expose the other girls.
The random girl confirms a rumour that Steph has been saying she’ll just go back to her ex if Jimmy eliminates her. And then, she reveals another secret.
“There’s something that someone has said … And I think it’s gonna surprise you because it surprised me when I heard it,” the random girl hesitates. “Um, the person that said it … I know for a fact you have something very strong with … Jay said she would like to finish runner-up because she heard that they do better (on Instagram).”
No! Get out! Someone’s only here for Instagram followers! That’s preposterous. You should be ashamed of yourself for even suggesting that, random girl.
Jimmy’s in a state of shock. This is a Tracey Jewel-certified blime-fibe.
“I’ve been massively blindsided. I’m shocked,” he rubs his brow. “The stuff about Steph, I saw it coming. What I didn’t see coming was the information I heard about Jay. It’s a massive blow for me.”
But he’s gotta take one thing at a time. He yanks Steph into a corner of the garden and craps on about all the stuff we just heard the random girl say.
Tears stream down Steph’s face. The jig is up. She has been exposed. And in what can only be described as commendable, she valiantly maintains her villainous role until the very end.
“Did you ask anyone about Holly and how sh*t she is?” she mutters to Jimmy.
“Steph, I don’t wanna sit here and have an argument with you,” Jimmy sighs. “Do you genuinely see something here with me because, if not, I think we should just call it a day.”
“Cool, see ya dude!” she howls as she bounds through the backyard, into the mansion and out the front door to an Uber that’s waiting in the driveway.
She doesn’t even bother going up to her twin-share bedroom to grab her bags — she just steals a black hoodie off a lowly production assistant and shoves him into a shrub.
“Am I ok? Yeah, dude, I’m f**king ecstatic,” she bellows. “I would marry my ex a thousand times before I would get with Jimmy.”
As the Toyota Camry speeds off down the unsealed country road, her maniacal cackles echo up into the night sky.
Now, in an attempt to make the series end as quickly as possible, Channel 10 tacks on another episode for us to enjoy tonight. What a treat! I’d rather get mugged by Steph in that hoodie.
Everyone’s taken out into the wilderness for The Bachelor’s annual camping trip. It always seems like a missed opportunity that producers don’t get John Jarratt to break into the contestants’ tents at 2am.
Anyway, Jay is preoccupied.
“I’ve been hearing rumours about me!” she frets.
“There’s something on your head,” we reply.
It’s been 24 hours since that random girl went and told Jimmy that Jay’s only on the show for Instagram followers. This getaway was meant to offer Jimmy some respite from the rumours and white noise but it’s only intensified. Is Jay here for the wrong reason? Jimmy hasn’t been able to shake the question from his mind. There’s only one thing he can do. He takes her into the middle of a field and asks her point-blank if the rumours are true.
Jay’s shocked. More shocked than when we told her that her hat was still alive. She’s so startled she goes and reveals that this isn’t even the rumour she was referring to earlier. “Apparently there’s a second rumour,” she gasps.
What the hell was the first one? Oh, wait. I forgot — we really don’t care that much.
Back at the campsite, the rest of the girls are getting ready for another cocktail party. The only good thing about this trip? We’ve finally gotten rid of the tacky red champagne flutes.
Jimmy turns to Jay just as they approach the cocktail party and begs her to not confront any of the girls about who started the rumour.
“I don’t wanna make drama. I hate drama,” she insists.
“Just do it. Create the drama. Or we’ll steal your hat,” we sigh.
She promptly goes and creates drama.
“I just wanna ask a question,” she pipes up when she gets the girls alone. “I know about … rumours. And — woman to woman — I’m just wondering what you’d heard and whether you’d said anything.”
She’s staring directly at that random girl who told Jimmy the rumour earlier in the episode. OK, this is gonna get really confusing if we keep referring to the random girl as the random girl. We should probably learn her actual name. Ugh, that seems like so much effort. Let’s just call her Petunia.
Petunia doubles down.
“There was one conversation — where you were getting your hair and makeup done — that I did share with him,” Petunia says. “When you said you would like to finish runner-up and you were talking about opportunities to take after the show.”
Jay’s facial expression says it all:
Jay denies the allegations and this only encourages Petunia to go harder.
“I was right next to you. I wasn’t spreading a rumour. A rumour is something that’s not true,” she says. “I merely told him about a conversation that happened and I heard it first hand.”
Hmmm. If only this was a reality show where lots of cameras filmed everyone and the conversations they had. Oh well!
Osher emerges from a hollowed-out tree trunk and begins the rose ceremony. Of course it comes down to Jay and Petunia. And Jimmy chooses the former.
Petunia breaks down. Through the sobs, she insists she’s telling the truth. The thing that’s hurting her the most is that now Jimmy and all the viewers at home will think she’s the one who’s lying.
Oh, Petunia. It’s OK. Literally no one is watching.